life full of LIFE: Self- Esteem

♫ Shadowland... the leaves have fallen... Now I must go. I must go... And where the journey may lead me let this prayer be my guide. Though it may take me so far away I will remember my pride....I have no choice. I must find my way!... I will return! I will return! ♫ (Lion King's Shadowland)
In this post:
*Moratorium: The Desert of Identity Exploration & Achievement.
*Identity Crisis: Young Girl Charlene vs. Young Man Luther.

As you know from my posts: Journey and Anastasia Fall quarter was restless for me. When I went to Prayer and Prophecy one time I was asked, "Do you doubt yourself a lot?" and another time "You need to be confident in who you are. When you're looking at yourself you're just looking at your shadow. You need to see yourself the way God sees you." So through the Adolescent Psych class I took this past quarter God taught me a lot about identity and why I was having issues with mine. I learnt that there are 4 identity statuses:

Achieved- attainment of identity. Exploration and commitment to identity.
Foreclosure- Identity hasn't been explored yet you have committed to it."When adolescents accept their parents or society’s roles and values without questioning them or exploring alternatives."-Erickson.
Diffusion- No exploration and no commitment. "When an adolescent does not seem to know or care what his identity is."
Moratorium- Identity has been explored but you haven't committed to it. Erickson’s term for a pause in identity formation (commitment) that allows young people to explore alternatives without making final identity choices. So I realized that I've been stuck in moratorium for the longest time: well, I kept going in circles. There's a name for that too: MAMA cycle (stands for moratorium-achievement-moratorium achievement) but my achievements were more short-lived. So God told me that what's keeping me in this cycle is self-esteem issues. The desert season is one of identity formation and I'll stay in this desert until I'm confident in my identity; until I develop a healthy self-perception.

IDENTITY FORMATION

I got this new song in the Fall, I felt like God was singing over me: "Behold I AM doing a New thing in the desert. Behold I'm doing a New thing! It's time to Remember who you are." Let's define some terms before we move on:

“Identity formation involves a synthesis of childhood skills, beliefs, and identifications into a more or less coherent, unique whole that provides the young adult with both a sense of continuity with the past and a direction for the future…. Identity refers to how experience is handled as well as to what experiences are considered important.” – James Marcia. I've been avoiding taking the "Journey to the past" blog series for a long time (since last Spring coz it always seems like "it would be too much work and emotion") but it seems inevitable for me. I want to do it though. I just need to be still and take a step at a time.
Self- concept- Ideas that individuals have of themselves regarding various traits and attributes. People can have multiple selves: actual self (who you are), ideal self (who you want to be), feared self (who you don't want to be but fear you might turn into) and false self (who you are not yet you present yourself this way). "The acceptable false self arises from the adolescent's perception that the real self is rejected by parents & peers. May cause a sense of worthlessness, depression, & hopelessness." That's a sad and accurate description of my situation :( Wow I'm already tearing up and I haven't even shared personal stories-this is why I don't finish or rather start such posts. The desert is a time of getting rid of the false self and feared self, re-affirming the real self and developing the ideal self.
Self-esteem - Sense of worth about one-self. It is a product of 2 assesments: 1)The discrepancy between the real and ideal self. 2) Overall sense of support. Can you now see why I keep doing MAMA cycles? I remember who I am by looking to God or remembering my past but then I feel like I lack support (due to my perception that my real self is rejected) so I lose courage again and go back to hiding my real self. It's like I wait for the right time or permission for me to be myself but it never comes. But then God showed me the key to freedom: Himself. Confidence in Him and what He says about me. (post: Free to Be! Free to Fly!) So I just need to fix my eyes on Him because He is the only constant hence His opinion of my identity never changes plus He's my Creator so He knows me better than anyone. But yeah, I need to start this journey to my past coz it will help in my restoration process. I'm tired of these MAMA cycles. They've been going on for too long- read the next section- and my false self and distorted self-image affect my ability to receive love from others (and distracts me from time to time from resting in God's love for me) and so it restricts my capacity to give love (Love is something you express so I haven't been expressing as much love as I want to because I haven't been expressing myself fully :( ♫ I stand unafraid, desperate for change. Please take it all so I can live free cause I have to be more like you. Oh Lord this is me I'm asking You to please change my identity <take away the false self>. I don't wanna be like this... I wanna be like You.♫ Song: Identity by James Fortune & Fiya.

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Identity Crisis

Characteristics of an identity crisis: Identity confusion, inconsistent behavior and character, not knowing where you fit in society. Being ignored, not valued.

"Young Girl Charlene"-> I'll be starting the story of my life series soon (so help me God!) but you can read the Free to Be post for a piece of my young mind lol (link above). I wrote that note in 07' just shows how long I've been in moratorium. This is a facebook message I wrote to a friend back in Kenya, Anthony Kungu. He was going to preach about self-esteem and he asked for my input and I had lots to say. I wish I had the beginning of what I said but I guess facebook didn't save it. So here's the rest:

(March, 17th 2009)Hey...am back from lunch and I just wanted to add sth. to the self-esteem discussion we were having:
-Self-esteem goes hand in hand with self-worth, self-image and self-confidence.
-Matthew 22:39 -Jesus says that we should love others as ourselves. But if we have low self-esteem we don't love ourselves much, and we think of others as being better than us; thus we won't be able to love others as well; not in the equal way that God intended.

-I had said that having low self-esteem is sin....but let me reword:....I meant that low self-esteem is a big deal, and should be treated with more seriousness, coz it separates us from God; it affects our relationship with him. If you think about it all relationships are built on trust, so if you don't trust what God has to say about you; then plainly you don't trust Him completely and that can distance us from Him; just as sin distances us from God.

-Self-esteem should not be based on our own achievements, status or appearance. If it is it will be based on pride and people's opinions. But it should be based on God because "Man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7). God gives us our worth right from our creation and through the high price he paid for us through the blood of His son; we're that valuable. (I read that from http://www.gotquestions.org/self-esteem.html and this has cool Bible versus relating to the topic: http://www.openbible.info/topics/self-esteem. Okay, now am done. All the best in delivering the sermon. Just let God speak through you. When are you going there by the way? Baraka :)

(March 17, 2009)One more thing!!.....sorry I tend to be a write-a-holic sometimes but I think this is important to add...What I said before is true but sounds pretty harsh....Even though I think that it should be treated seriously and that its necessary to expose how the devil uses discouragement to inflict low self-esteem and draw us far from God,....it should not be a message of condemnation for the people with low self-esteem but one of restoration, like you said "He restores". So for those with a distorted self-image (me included), He can restore, if we are willing to let go of our old selves. It won't be easy for some (me included again) but one step we can take to work on our self-esteem is to renew our thinking with His word (Romans 12:2) because the mind is a battlefield (negative thoughts vs. positive ones) and following the guidance of the Holy Spirit. We should ask the Holy Spirit to help us in our weaknesses (Romans 8:28). Another practical thing one can do is post Bible verses with what God says about us and what He promises us in our rooms, places we can read easily; and most importantly to take it in and believe it...to be conscious of our thoughts....whenever a negative one pops in sayin that we are worthless, we should reject it and respond with what God says. Okay am going now :)

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Young Man Luther

In my adolescent psych text book, there was a story, "Young Man Luther" about Martin Luther and his identity crisis as a young adult. It's a really cool story you can read the summary on that link. I get discouraged a lot by how long I've been in moratorium and my MAMA cycles. But God really encouraged me through his story. What caught my eye was that he was 23 (like me) when he had his identity crisis and he finally achieved his identity and purpose in his early 30's (so there's hope for me!). His father wanted him to be a lawyer so he went to law school but later on he was almost struck by lightning and took that event to be sign so he vowed to be a monk. His parents totally disapproved but he did it anyway. It's so good I'll quote Erickson's interpretation of Luther's identity crisis and I'll compare it to mine:

If Luther became the great rebel who changed the face of religion and the world, what took him so long? Rebellion is usually manifested in one's younger years, but Luther was 34 by the time he properly spoke out against the Church (reminded me of my 6th grade "rebel" experience post: Advocacy)

Erikson's explanation is that young people must first believe in something intensely before they turn against it, and Luther was desperate to believe in the Church's divine authority. He may never have become the Church's most vocal critic unless he had first gone through the experience of complete devotion and attachment. Erikson comments that great figures in history often spend years in a passive state. From a young age they may feel that they will create a big stamp on the world, but unconsciously wait for their particular truth to form itself in their minds, until they can make the most impact at the right time. This was the case with Luther. (post: The Desert, Friendship, Stealth)

Erikson gives much space to a psychoanalytical discussion of Luther's relationships with his father. He surmises that Martin's courage in standing up to the Holy Roman Church can only be understood in the context of his initial disobedience to his father. Perhaps surprisingly, Erikson suggests Luther was not rebellious by nature (in fact in many ways he was reactionary), but having once disobeyed the major figure in his life, this put him on a trajectory of disobedience.

Erikson's most intriguing point is that, yes, Luther changed the world via his theological position, but that position was the result of the working out of his own personal demons and identity crises. Was he Luther the good monk, Luther the good son, or Luther the great reformer?

His need to work through his own neuroses relating to guilt, combined with a deep feeling for justice, resulted in a deep personal conviction that happened to be writ large on history.

Erikson likens major identity crises to a 'second birth', an idea he got from William James. While the once-born person 'rather painlessly fit themselves and are fitted into the ideology of their age', twice-born people are often tortured souls who seek healing in some total conversion experience that will give them direction. The positive aspect of the twice-born is that if they do successfully transform themselves, they have the potential to take the world along with them. It took a while for Luther to work out who he was, but once he had not even the Pope could stop him. (post: Misfit? -> Revolutionary!)

He shows that Luther's personal crises could not be separated from the social changes happening around him, and that the whole Reformation could be seen as Luther's personal issues getting worked out on a global scale. It was his own conscience, for instance, that drove him to reposition the Church as secondary to a person's direct relationship with God. And as a true believer, Luther's insistence on faith above 'good works' also reshaped Christendom. (post: Rest)

This is my year! I have fallen over and over again but God has been merciful. I now know who I am, where I am from and where I am going (God told me) and at the same time I am finding out who I am by remembering my past experiences. I've tried to do one without the other but I need to do both for the sake of my journey to wholeness and feel free to join me. I am weak but He is my strength and all that I need. I will rise! I am rising! Glory to God! (post: And on the 23rd year she rose again!) =)