The StinkBug

♫ Please don't shriek because I reek but me thinks me stinks ♫

Hey InterVarsity family :) So during Spring break I was watching this cartoon with my niece and God spoke to me through it (lol). It was exactly what I needed to hear at that time. Watch the clip above- it's the summary of that episode. In case you can't watch it: Stanley is a stinkbug. He wanted to go to camp with his friends but didn't want to go because he stinks sometimes and so he was afraid that his friends wouldn't like him. He talked to God about it and God told him that He made him that way and He doesn't make mistakes. So God told him to go to the camp and to remember that He is always with him. So Stanley went to camp and his fears came true. Everyone avoided him because of the smell and so he became a loner. Even the coaches and his leaders were avoiding him and were wondering what to do about him. Then one day of them had an idea: they decided to pray about it. God told them that stinkbugs stink when they are afraid. That was convicting for them to hear because they went in thinking that Stanley had a problem but they realized that they were all part of it- they didn't make him feel welcome since they were always avoiding him. So they went looking for Stanley who had gone missing -he went to the forest to try and face his fear of heights in a bid to stop stinking. But that wasn't the fear he had to face. His biggest fear was: other bugs not liking him. So his leaders got him back to the camp and they all threw him a party to show him that they loved him and that he was welcome there even with his stink because God made him that way for some reason. (They made adjustments-> nose-plugs! lol) Stanley felt loved and accepted so his stink went away. Then during the party Big Bully Croaker budges in and threatens the community. He is about to eat up one of the couches and just then Stanley starts to stink because he was afraid. His stink chases away the frog hence protects his friends and saves the day. His friends finally saw the reason God made him that way and the couch said, "I guess God knew what He was doing. Right everyone?" and to Stanley the stinkbug, "Good job soldier."

So how does that story relate to us? you may be wondering... It relates directly to what I shared with you guys in the posts: Spirit of Unity and Awakening (the lost sheep section) and to the situation at hand. If those posts weren't clear then let me get more vulnerable... I get it now. I stink :( Well I always knew that but it's now clearer. You don't know how hard it is to share this. So yeah, here is my heart on display for the whole world to see. So I'm a stinkbug. I know I stink sometimes so I wasn't myself- who I fully am- due to fear of rejection. But that approach backfired in my face because to be unseen & unknown is to be unloved."The walls we build through fear to protect ourselves become the very prisons that enslave us." ~Steve Foss. So here's the main problem: You guys don't really know me since I haven't been fully expressing myself due to fear (I shared this in the "attachment" in the Hope post). But that's just one side of the story. You see friendship is about mutuality (two-sided intentionality and displacement). So yeah, I noticed I have few friends. I realized why: I'm different. I'm older than most of you and I'm not American- age and cultural differences- and I've been boring (not fully expressing myself). On top of that, you guys see me as a leader (former bible study leader, csame leader, area leader, worship team) and leaders are expected to initiate stuff. And then comes in my problem: I am afraid and insecure so that's been keeping me from being intentional. You guys already have your friends so I'm the one with the problem and I don't want to inconvenience you with it.

Stink-Bugs Stink

Then at prefall God set me free to be myself again and gave me back my voice. And yeah I started sharing again and that's when more problems came in. That's when I noticed my stink. Like I've been told, it's "my message"-the content, the tone, too much and too frequent- and the fact that it's coming from me. I noticed that the actual problem was the one I just shared: Me :( You guys don't know me. So this former leader person who's not your friend so you don't really know starts sharing stuff, a lot of stuff, and tells you what to do and that's a problem. {In the meantime, I share stuff but I also welcome questions, comments and invitations to talk and get to know each other. But my sharing activities just got added to the list of differences that hinder friendship.} So you take it to the staff who are the leaders and your friends to deal with the problem. So the staff who don't really know me either are the ones to deal with this problem of me.... When the black csame group (Cultural Solidarity Amidst Multi-ethnicity) was asked to plan a Black Church experience for one Common Ground in honor of black history month I saw it as a good opportunity to introduce myself to the fellowship (the mystery girl behind the long posts) and to share my culture. Thaddeus and Charity were going to lead us in this song. Take a listen. The first part is in English: ♫ Love me now... and the end in Swahili: God bless this land. Ilete baraka. (That it may bring blessing), ...upendo (Love)... Amani (Let it bring Peace).  Let it rain down. Let it come down. ♫

Public Confession

Let's switch gears again... so the truth is, my hidden agenda is actually friendship. Yeah I know that's weird but I just wanna be friends with people. My intention is not to evangelize you or disciple you, I don't care if you we are in the same Bible study, I don't care if come to my prayer meeting or if you come to Common Ground with me, I don't care if you like my facebook posts or if you read my blog. Yes all of those things may happen or they may not. But at the end of the day, I just want to get to know you and to be a good friend. I let fear of being misunderstood keep me from pursuing friendship/ deeper friendship. So yeah, I'm not here to apologize for my stink- if you don't get it's purpose now you will later- but I want to apologize for being discouraged (choosing to be immobilized by fear instead of being moved by love). Sorry for not being intentional, for holding back my love for you. I'll say it louder now: I LOVE YOU and I WANT TO KNOW YOU BETTER AND BE A GOOD FRIEND. Yeah I know my stink really stinks right now so I understand if you don't want friendship with me.

StinkBug Soldier

About my stink, God made me this way for a reason. In the story, the reason why Stanley's stink affected his friends was because of the relationship they had formed (Stanley was afraid of rejection so he would stink and his friends were afraid he would stink so they avoided him which then confirmed his fears and made him stink). And I can see the same thing in our situation. For example, in the Spring I invited people over for dinner and after that Chelsea, Chris Barcelon, Stephen and I were talking and then when I answered their question about why I didn't go for the senior banquet the atmosphere quickly changed and everyone was up in arms and swinging their swords. More questions came flying at me I felt like I was under attack and I was expected to defend myself. This went on until Stephen cut in, "Charlene, we are your friends." The atmosphere changed again from tense and attack-y to calm and friendly. And yeah I opened up and said the same thing but this time it was received better and we left on a happy note. So what's the point of the story? Friends, let's act like friends. Let's be real friends.  It makes a big difference. "My message"- what God gives me to share- may not be the happiest news in the world but I have to share it because I care about you guys and I love God. So the problem- what affects the way the message is transmitted and received- is how we are treating each other. You read the email I sent Staff (in the let my people go post) and yeah I shared what God gave me to share (the interpretations of the visions and dreams they had shared with us. Spiritual warfare). Yeah it was tough news but even after that I wanted to talk as friends and focus on the solutions but then they were avoiding me so the stinky cycle escalated as the adversarial relationship was maintained... So yeah, family I just want us to get out of this boxing ring we have put ourselves in. Let's be friends. "Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God." (Romans 15:7) I love you all very much and I don't have anything personal against any of you. The stuff God gave me to share concerns spiritual warfare. All I did was expose the division that exists in the fellowship and there's no denying it now. This is not a war between me and staff. This has always been about you. It's about all of us. It's about us (the body of Christ. Children of the Light) versus the powers of darkness (the schemes of the devil that cause division and disunity). Let's not be satisfied with shaking hands over the dividing wall. It's time for the wall to come down. It's time we fight back. Together. Against the actual enemy. It's time to Love :) Let's pray this song-> ♫ Spirit break out. Break our walls down. Spirit break out. Heaven come down. ♫

Unity is Key

Like I said, I think it's time we change our relationship status....
When I realized that I was the problem I tried to stay out of your space to figure myself out. And then I would get "So you're doing your own thing now?"I'll come back to that...  I noticed that I've been mixing love with friendship. Love involves giving whether or not you get anything back but friendship involves mutuality (two-sided in displacement and intentionality). So when it comes to the posts I share with the fellowship, I usually expect friendship (a response) but the only response I've gotten is either silence or attacks which then discourages me from sharing the rest of what I have to share. You see I like to share the journey that's why I've been waiting for friendship so that we can move on forward together. But that hasn't happened much due to the stuff I already mentioned but I have to move on now because I have a job to do (to love, to give). It's like I've been waiting to receive permission to be myself yet God already made me to be myself. "So you're doing your own thing now?" All that does to me is rub the poverty of friendship in my face. I was planning to be myself but I guess equates being by myself (due to no equality in displacement). But it's time to love now. I'll keep sharing my life (outside of the boxing ring) and I'll give what I have to give whether or not there is friendship (mutuality). But I'm still the me you know and I want to displace myself more to get to know you guys more (no time for fear). So yeah I'm not going anywhere- that's the suggestion I got from some people but that's not me. I don't just ditch my family and friends when times are tough. Will you take me as I am? :'( So yeah, let's just kick fear to the curb and let's love each other with actions and in truth okay? Staff, let's start afresh? Everyone let's be real friends? I just want us to love each other and act like the Body of Christ coz that's who we are and that's what fellowship is all about. We really do need each other. K, I'll see you all this Fall (if I find a place to live lol). Peace, Love and Unity! Amen!

(P.S: I know my posts on the InterVarsity wall have been a problem that's why I started using my wall but no one officially banned me from the IV wall so I'll keep posting some stuff there but don't worry, when I do I'll delete my former posts and don't fear, all the darkness (the devil's schemes) is in the light so now all we have to focus on is the solutions. And please share your comments and thoughts especially if there's a problem. Please be my friend. K, later! ...Oh yeah, thanks for your friendship. I'm not being ungrateful I just want depth. And if you want nothing to do with me or if you don't care to know me more that sucks for me :'( but no pressure. Just thought I'd "put myself out there"and yeah you'll be hearing from me coz I actually miss you guys and now you know my hidden agenda- no I'm not selling anything and I'm not running for office lol :P just want friendship :)

♫... And I am telling you I'm not going, Even though the rough times are showing. There's just no way, There's no way. We're part of the same place (Body of Christ. Kingdom of Heaven). We're part of the same time (Now and eternity). We both share the same blood (Blood of Jesus). We both have the same mind (Mind of Christ). And time and time we have so much to share (Our Lives)... ♫

yours,

with much love a-flowing, much tears a-rolling, much hope uh...?- popping,

Charlene :)

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 Witness Protection Program: Stinkbugs have feelings too!

A Message for the Stinkbugs (You know who you are! lol)
You may not feel wanted but you are really needed! A stinkbug's gotta do what a stinkbug's gotta do lol :-)
Let's meet another stinkbug: Elijah heehee :) In 1 Kings 18 he was in a contest with the prophets of baal on Mount Carmel. The prophets of baal failed miserably to get their god to respond. Then Elijah prayed and God sent down fire from heaven to consume his sacrifice. Pretty cool! Huh? Now turn to the next chapter, "Elijah was afraid and ran for his life." (vs.3)..." There he went into a cave and spent the night. And the word of the Lord came to him: “What are you doing here, Elijah?” (vs. 9) Hahaha! Elijah saw fire coming down from heaven- God showed him that he was with him- yet he was still afraid of people who didn't like him (and wanted to kill him). So yeah, stinkbugs are human too and they like to be liked but to fulfill your stinkbug duties you have to choose God over your own feelings."Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always."(1 Chronicles 16:11) In the post: The Present I found out that looking at God brings peace, joy and direction but worrying about the storm (the people you are trying to serve and trying to please) takes all all that away. So yeah, vision is everything. Gotta Fix your eyes on Jesus :)

"When God sends you, He goes with you!"~Emily Chengo.
"Praise be to the Lord,  for he has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him. The Lord is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one."(Psalm 28: 6-8)

The message He gives you to share may not be a popular one but He will give you confirmation for encouragement. Elijah thought he was the only prophet left but God told him, "Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and whose mouths have not kissed him.”(vs. 18) So yeah, The Lord says: "Get yo stink on! Because I said so. I made you so. So just be and Now is the time! And do not fear, I will be with you." (Read Jeremiah 1: 17-19 actually all of Jeremiah 1) And you really need to have faith, hope and love to be yourself and do what God tells you. You have to have vision of the future. The road may be rough, the journey tough, but God wins in the end! So yeah just stick to what He tells you and you will have victory (Success= pleasing God. Obeying Him.)  =)

Facebook friends can you face this face? Coz I'm going unveiled now so if you want to reject me let's do it with masks off (face to face). I love you all! I'm just Missunderstood. Don't reject me now though, give me a chance to be myself first. I have lots to share- stories from my life so that you can know me better and the exciting stuff that I've learnt that just might turn your whole world upside down. It's a lot of stuff... I don't know where to start so yeah just bear with me and what I'm saying will make more sense. So be patient! So let's journey together? Let's be friends? Love me now or love me later, I'm gonna love and give my all coz I'm in love with the One who gave it all :-)

Related posts: Friendship (listen to the songs), Family Matters (Family fights for each other. I got yo back), Bootcamp (We need power to love), Remember (Complacency is the enemy), Fall Fast (One application of my messages. There's a fast going on right now. Feel free to join in. I'll share more details later).

"But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger You'll learn things you never knew you never knew." -Pocahantas :-)