"REMEMBER"

So... this is my first blog post that I'm actually going to be real, that is, not leaving out my real experience while just throwing out a lesson. So I'll just share my experience and you can take from it what you wish.

Uhm yeah, I don't know where to start. To be honest, "being real" has become so foreign to me :( You see, I'm an avoider. Rather I've become one. But I've learnt that running from problems doesn't make them go away, it just makes them pile up. And they keep piling up until one day you have to stop running, face them and deal with them or they'll destabilize and fall all over you. Either way you'll be forced to face them (the latter would be a more painful way to face them though so I'd advice against it).

Gosh! There I go again, giving advice lol. Back to me...

So right now my room is a mess. My life is a mess. My relationships (with friends and family) are quite shallow. I've become so boring. Lol. For real, I don't do what I like to do anymore. It's like I don't know who I am anymore. Scratch that, it is that I don't know who I am. That's my problem, I forgot who I am. But I kept on moving forward tackling life in my sorry state and things kept piling up. And each time I would stop and look, I would see the same ugly sight, only worse: My life is a mess. I'm all over the place. My family feels like they doesn't know me. My friendships are shallower than before. My relationship with God is distant. My grades are dropping. I'm failing classes.....AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

And if you would ask me how I'm doing or how things are going, I'd give you the regular "Ok" or the ever-faithful "Fine". And I was somewhat being honest. I have grown to be "ok" and "fine" with this kind of living. I have become a pro at avoiding stuff and an expert at coping with life. But that's the thing that keeps bugging me; I don't want my response to be always "fine"! I want it to be GREAT! more often than not! I don't want to "cope with life"! I want to LIVE! I don't want this boring routine of fakeness! I want ADVENTURE! I want TO BE ME! I don't want to live this sorry shell of a life! I want to live a LIFE FULL OF LIFE!!!

So what made me stop in my tracks and face my sad state of reality? ...

Divine Intervention.

One way that I have been avoiding dealing with my issues is by caring way too much about what people think of me. I like to share what I've learnt and what I'm learning. Most of the times what I do share with people is what God is currently teaching me. For example, if I read the Bible and I get convicted about something I like to share with others so that they can also be convicted and together we can help each other apply God's Word to our lives. I don't want to benefit alone; also, I don't want to struggle alone. But this approach usually backfires in my face because what ends up happening is people end up assuming that my sharing is me trying to take on the role of teacher and judge over their lives. People assume that I have it all together and that I'm trying to judge their broken lives. Little did they know of my own brokenness. So I end up discouraging instead of encouraging them. FAIL! :( And the sad thing is that because people like to settle for their assumptions instead of asking and seeking out the truth, they don't ask about my struggles because they assume I have none, they don't encourage me since they think I don't need any encouragement. Yeah it's really sad because I feel like the caring and sharing has become one-sided and that's not how it should be. There should be equality in caring and sharing. We all have our burdens to bear and we are meant to carry each other's burdens and lay them at Jesus' feet since He is the only Healer, our only Hope. So yeah because people have this view of me, it hurts me and it makes it easier for me to leave my issues concealed.

And what bugs me the most is how my masquerading has affected my relationship with God. Yes, I know His power. He demonstrated it to me by setting me free (if you read the "Hello Africans..." post. I'll say more about that later). I know Him as the Omnipotent One. And yes He speaks to me through His Word. He is Faithful. (And long-distant communication can happen without intimacy). Yes, He has proven to be Jehovah Jireh, my Provider. But there's something missing,.... I lack the intimacy that I once had with Him. I forgot His Love. I don't know Him as My Father anymore :'( And this is the root of all my problems. The root of my identity crisis/life crisis. You see, to forget His Love is to forget Him since God is Love. MAJOR FAIL!!! :'((

I've been coping with life. Moving forward without dealing with my issues. Still calling myself a christian and going to christian events and even being on leadership. Keeping myself busy. But the moment I stop I am forced to face reality. Every time after church or Common Ground, after Bible study, after "fellowshipping"/socializing with Christians, I ache. My heart aches since it suffers from a lack of intimacy (closeness). A lack of intimacy with the One I read about, sometimes talk to, sometimes hear from; the One is the source of life full of life; the One who was once my everything and my one true Love, Jesus. And a lack of intimacy from those I call my friends and family. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say that there's not a day that I've been happy lol. I'm not talking about a lack of happiness, I'm talking about a lack of joy (deeper and lasts longer). I am thankful for what I do have: my family, friends, school. But I thirst for more. My thirst is a "soul thirst" a thirst for more, deeper, better, relationships and not being satisfied with surface-level stuff. I am thankful for how God has worked in the past, in the present and now I'm thirsty for more.)

And this became the norm. Complacency became my friend.

But at the end of last school year (Spring), at the end of another battle, I had it. I was tired of this game I was playing. Tired of appearing like super-woman yet crumbling on the inside and in all other areas of my life (e.g. academically and relationally). So I felt the need to take a step back and re-evaluate my life. I felt the need to leave leadership in my fellowship. It was a hard decision to make but I knew that was what needed to happen, and God gave me peace about it. But I was offered a position that made me change my mind. I took it because it would put me in a position to influence other leaders, and that's what I wanted to be in a position to "pour into other leaders," to make an impact. So I went on with life as I've played it. For some reason all through the quarter I was not at peace with that position. At the end, I reaped the fruits of the "normal" life I created, failure. I performed poorly academically and I was tired from doing things in my own strength or lack of it.

So yeah, this quarter, I've given up doing things my way. I've stopped running, I want to face my issues so I've gone to the root. I want God. To be close to Him. I don't just want His perspective and His heart, I want to hear His voice. Yes He always speaks but I want Him to speak up. I want His Love. I want to find my security in Him. To find my identity in Him. Not in being a leader. (I had let my desire to make an impact {to do} override my desire to find intimacy with Him {to be} and complacency {fear of change + inaction} was actually my enemy.)

Every time I did try to seek God, my hurts would always come up, everything that I've been suppressing. And each time I would go to prayer and prophecy night at the prayer shed they would tell me the same thing, "I need to know God as my father," "I need to rest in Him" and each time I would seek Him out in His Word, He would say the same thing. "I need to wait on Him. I need to rest. I need to put my Hope in Him." So Thursday night I was like, ok fine! I will "wait for Him" whatever that means. So yeah I just sat there with music playing "waiting for Him" to speak up or something. A few hours later I fell asleep and I woke up disappointed. I didn't have class on Friday so I was like ok God, I'm not letting you off the hook just like that, speak to me! I was listening to music playing live from the ihop prayer room at: http://www.ihop.org/prayerroom/ and each song was about God's love or having Him as a Father. Then I was like, "Ok. I get it. I know my problem. I don't know Your Love and I don't know You as my Father. I already know that. The question is: how do I get this love? what am I supposed to do to know, like really know that You are my Father?"

I was still waiting for an answer but I was watching the clock since I wanted to go for InterVarsity's Common Ground at 7pm. It was getting closer and closer and still no response. I was like "Come on! tell me quick!....Hmm, if He doesn't tell me anything am I still going to go?"...."I want to go. To see people. But then again I don't want to play this game anymore. I want to hear from Him. I don't want to keep doing things my way, what makes sense to me." So I decided that I wasn't going to go until He responded. So 7pm reached and passed and I was still in my room. Then I got panicky again. "What will people think if they don't see me at Common Ground?" "What will I say when they ask me why I wasn't there?" Then I was thinking of all the lies I could say, "Oh I fell asleep..." but I knew I wasn't meant to lie (duh!). But how would they take the truth? "Oh I wanted to see you guys but I didn't feel like going and God didn't tell me to." They'd think I'm crazy or that I think I'm too good for them. "And it's Friday night, I should be doing something fun in community."

Meanwhile, no response from God....Funny thing is, His silence spoke volumes. I was forced to face reality, I was insecure and I used community to ran away from facing that. Also I was finding my security in community and it became an obligation to go to Common Ground. I realized how I was antsy about just being alone with God, I was not secure in Him. So yeah that's what God wanted to show me through His silent treatment. I calmed down and realized that once I am secure in who I am in God I will not feel obliged to be with community (finding my security in them) rather I would be okay with the times I'm alone with God and I would be in community because I want to (out of desire not obligation) and that would not just be restricted to the official meeting times and events but any time. (Kinda like Acts 2 and how "Fellowship flows from being")

So yeah once I calmed down I asked God the same question, "How do I know Your love? How do I know You as my Father?"

Some Scripture came to mind:

‎"SEE how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are..." (1 John 3:1)

Then I was like, "Cool. But I don't see how that is supposed to help me."

Then another Scripture came to mind:

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." (Romans 12:2)

Me: Wow thanks! Now I now that there's something wrong with my mind, that is why I can't SEE what He's trying to show me and it needs to be renewed. But what is it that I can't see? And how do I renew my mind?"

Scripture: uhum "SEE how great a love the Father has bestowed on us..."

Me: Hmmh... frustrated!....facebook break!.......{turn off music. shut bible. log in to facebook}....

While browsing through the Home page on facebook, I SEE...IHOP's status:

"God's perfect leadership ushers us out of slavery and into sonship, from the compulsion of trying to earn love to freely receiving His love." (Sarah Sun Kim)

This quote made me realize what was wrong. My whole approach was wrong. I realized that in a way I was trying to earn God's love. I was asking "What do I need to do to receive it?"And the answer was nothing! He has bestowed it on us -> freely given it to us. Yes, He told me to wait on Him but that doesn't mean that waiting on Him is what you do to receive His love. Yes He tells us to fast (I've been on a disorganized fast of late) but it is not fasting that makes us receive His love. I like what Misty Edwards said about fasting she said it's more for us to have an increased capacity to understand God more.

And then I remembered the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15), he saw where the choices he had made led him to a life that sucked (like really sucked! The guy was eating pig's food!) and then it says "he came to his senses"-> He remembered his Father's wealth. He remembered His Father. He remembered. It was then that He decided to go back to His Father. And here is what happened next: “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

“The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

“But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ "

Hmmh...how does that apply to me?....And then this scene from Lion King also came to mind:

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  • http://youtu.be/O7fXfCZ4sB4
    
    

  Then things clicked. I heard God speaking to me through the story of the prodigal son and from what Mufasa and Rafiki told Simba.

He gave me the answer to the questions I've been asking -> He has freely given me His love and all I have to do is SEE. But my mind has been conformed to the patterns of this world so that affects my ability to SEE. So I need to renew my mind. I need to "come back to my senses." And how do I do that? I need to REMEMBER! Because things were not always like this (you know, eating pig food and all), there was a time I was basking in His Love (eating at His table). So yeah, remembering will help me renew my mind. But I don't like to remember most times because I like to avoid things that have hurt me. That's my problem. I'm keeping myself from receiving His love. Jeremiah 29:12 says:"...You will seek me and find me; when you seek me with all your heart I will be found by you." So I realized that I haven't been seeking Him=His Love with all my heart since part of my heart is preoccupied with hurts. That is why when I seek Him, a spotlight is shed on my hurts because He wants to heal them. He wants me to give Him all my heart, all my hurt. If I try to keep my hurt for myself I'm preventing myself from receiving His love and healing. He wants to freely give me stuff, I just have to do my part, freely receive=> give Him the stuff already in my hands first then I'll be able to receive what He has for me =)

Oh wow, what an introduction! So yeah that's what this Remember series is about. I'll be recalling stuff from my past and blogging about it. I choose to journal about it since writing is therapeutic for me and I choose to blog about it because it's the only way I can get myself to journal consistently since I'm not just doing it for myself, other people may also benefit from it. So yeah, I'm on a quest to remember, feel free to join in on the adventure!

{Sometimes I feel like just quitting my part (sharing and encouraging) because it hurts when it's not reciprocated or appreciated but Jesus reminded me that while I was still a sinner He loved me so much that He died for me and so I should fix my eyes on Him because it's not about me; it's all about Him and His Kingdom and I should find my satisfaction in Him because no matter how I feel He loves me and cares for me. So yeah even though people don't ask about my struggles because they assume I have none, I'm done with letting their assumptions keep me from being myself and so they might not ask but I will share :)}

Lord, I know you are leading me to rest.

Help me to trust you and follow you.

Help me to "rend my heart" =>

Help me to open my heart to you

so that you can pour your love in.

Help me to seek you with all my heart

not just parts of it,

not just the presentable parts,

but also with all my broken pieces.

I love you. Take all of me.

In Jesus name, Amen.

"Let us acknowledge the LORD;

let us press on to acknowledge him.

As surely as the sun rises, he will appear;

he will come to us like the winter rains,

like the spring rains that water the earth."

(Hosea 6:3)

*HOPE*

There is HOPE! So I can "REJOICE in the Lord always!"

even as I pray and seek =D

The End (well, the end of the introduction lol) =)