THE PRESENT

Bridge: So after my meeting with Jessica I decided to try to forget about everything else, focus on renewing my mind

in order to see God's love

and to find rest in Him.

Discovering "The Present"

I'm doing a volunteer internship at St. John's hospital in Oxnard and on Wednesday I had an 8 hour shift! There was a lot of down-time that day so I prepared myself to get bored out of my mind for 8 long hours!!! -_-

As I paced up and down the halls looking for something to do I noticed something... I noticed my pace. I noticed that I was walking really fast and I was getting frustrated when I didn't find something to do. I then remembered that one difference I observed living in America is that the pace of life here is much faster and in trying to conform to it I had compromised my inner peace (being satisfied with/ grateful for the present). So I decided to walk slowly for the rest of my shift and it was amazing! Since I had nothing to do and no where to rush to, I was forced to stop worrying about the future and focus on "the present", the now. I remembered that I don't have any reason to be bored because anywhere I go and in whatever I'm doing I always have: My thoughts and God. I remembered that thinking was my favorite hobby growing up lol (it comes in handy and it's quite convenient lol) and what made it even more fun was acknowledging that God is everywhere even in my thoughts so I always have someone to talk to and so instead of worrying to myself about things I have no control over I could give my worries to Him since He has the power to do everything. So yeah it ended up being a great shift! During the times there was nothing to do I would keep myself entertained in my thoughts by thinking to God, remembering good times or humming/ singing. Fun! :) So I went to bed with the thought, "I guess that's all I have to do... remember that God is with me everywhere I go and even better, He is in me- living inside me" :)

The next day was so beautiful! :) The sun was out for a change so I decided to bike around aimlessly in between my classes lol. Just taking in the sun and enjoying the colors of the leaves on the trees and the arrangement of clouds in the sky. I ended up going to the prayer shed. I just sat there still thinking about this verse: ‎"SEE how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are..." (1 John 3:1) Some girl walked in and started playing the guitar and singing. As I sat there and listened, it dawned on me that nothing can separate me from God's love, nothing, so yeah there was nothing I could do but thank Him for His love and as I did I felt joy welling up my heart :-) For the rest of the day my whole perspective was different. It felt like a fog had been lifted and I could finally see clearly! =) This lasted for the rest of the day.
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Worry, The Joy-Stealer

But at night, I let worry and discouragement creep in and I pretty much forgot everything I had just learnt a few hours earlier:( ....I got an email from Paul, one of the staff in our fellowship and he wanted to meet up. Right after I read it, my joy left as I started worrying about what he wanted to talk about. I was glad that I was finding rest in God when I fixed my mind on Him but I was still unsure of my place in the body and unsure of where God was leading me. And other discouraging thoughts came to mind as I started thinking about what people may be thinking about me if I didn't go to Common ground again since I wasn't sure I was going to go. It seemed like each time I would fix my eyes on Jesus I would find the rest I wanted, I would find my place in Him but then when I thought about other people I fell back into confusion and discouragement. So I went to bed and the next morning was terrible. I woke up feeling so weak, it was a struggle to get out of bed. I was almost starting to freak out since that's never happened before. I was like "What on earth is going on???" So I just stayed in bed and tuned in to the ihop-> 24/7 prayer and worship stream. As I listened to the worship songs I regained my strength and realized what was going on. So what was going on???

I realized that it was the devil who was trying to oppress me mentally ( that's why I was exhibiting symptoms of depression that morning) and I had opened the door for him to do that by taking my eyes off Jesus and entertaining thoughts of worry (over something so small and dumb-> embarassing, I know!) and the devil was constantly accusing me (making me feel judged by people) and so as soon as I fixed my eyes on Jesus (through praising Him in song) the accuser was silenced and he fled and I was able to regain my strength. Worry steals your joy which drains your strength (since "the Joy of the Lord is your strength" -Nehemiah 8:10) So yeah the rest of the weekend I just had "spiritual mood swings" like that -lol- I would fix my eyes on Jesus and get peace, then I each time I would worry about anything I would start sinking, and then I would look to God and He would save me again. So vision is everything. When I looked at Jesus I could walk on water (walking by Faith) and when I looked at the waves of doubt and worry I would start to sink (walking by sight). And I learnt a lot about spiritual warfare through this which I'll talk about in another post.

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Rediscovering "The Present"

So after that weekend of "spiritual moodswings" I was fed up of being beaten down by the devil and going through that cycle and I was desperate for a solution. I was like I'm gonna fast or do whatever to make this stop. I looked to the Bible and read about how Moses did a 40 day fast and then I also remembered that Jesus also fasted for 40 days in the wilderness before He started His ministry. So I was like "Uhm God are you trying to tell me to fast for 40 days!" (mind you, I've never fasted for a full day without food) I wanted to try it if that's what God wanted but I decided to do some research before I made that commitment. So I found some info about fasting online and that one site said that one should seek out their intentions of fasting and also seek God about what type of fast to do. So because I wasn't getting any clear answers from God I decided to go to the prayer shed since they offer Prayer & Prophecy (Monday nights any time between 7-10pm). What they told me was funny and what I needed to hear.

When they asked if I had any specific prayer requests I was quick to unload everything that was troubling me. The girl praying for me then told me something that made me realize what my biggest problem is and the solution. I was clearly not satisfied with where I was- where I was with God and where I was in school and in my relationships with people. She said that I am ambitious and I like to excel in what I am doing so because I feel like I'm failing at everything right now I feel like I have to strive to get to a better place. And I'm doing the same with God, I'm striving to reach Him like He is far away yet He is with me right here and right now. He is not just the destination, He is the Way. God is with me now in spite of my failure (what seems like failure). God is with InterVarsity now in spite of the dry season most of us are going through. Like the song says, "Just knowing You're here with me now changes everything." The other guy praying for me told me reminded me that the Joy of the Lord is my strength so I found it funny that I was planning to fast and be miserable lol (not a good reason to fast lol) but God just reminded that He is with me and that should be enough reason to rejoice in Him.

The Present: Welcome to the Desert

I think this post is long enough lol so I'll finish up the last section in a different post ( look out for Part 2: "The Desert")

Update: I ended up doing that fast. God gave me more confirmation that He was calling me to fast and that didn't mean being miserable lol. Posts: A Call to Fast and Fall Fast.