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| Going Natural - The Journey Back to LIFE =) |
"Arise, shine,
for your light has come,
and the glory of the LORD
rises upon you."
rises upon you."
(Isaiah 60:1)
*Identity ~ Know who you are, where you are from and where you are going~ *Ethnic Identity = One's sense of belonging to an ethnic group and the part of one's thinking, perception, feelings, and behavior that is due to ethnic group membership. (Rotheram & Phinney, 1983) *Pharoah is DEAD!!! =)
3. Transition- The first state of this stage is one of compromise. The dissonance and dissatisfaction that is caused by this state is what the leads to what I call the desert season. In Psychology, it's known as the exploration stage and it may have the following "triggers" (from my class notes):
"One day, after Moses had grown up, he went out to where his own people were and watched them at their hard labor. He saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew, one of his own people. Looking this way and that and seeing no one, he killed the Egyptian and hid him in the sand. The next day he went out and saw two Hebrews fighting. He asked the one in the wrong, “Why are you hitting your fellow Hebrew?” The man said, “Who made you ruler and judge over us? Are you thinking of killing me as you killed the Egyptian?” Then Moses was afraid and thought, “What I did must have become known.” When Pharaoh heard of this, he tried to kill Moses, but Moses fled from Pharaoh and went to live in Midian, where he sat down by a well. (Exodus 2: 11-15)
Moses stayed in the desert where he got married and had a son. "Moses named him Gershom, saying "I have become a foreigner in a foreign land." During that long period, the Pharoah (king of Egypt ) died. The Israelites groaned in their slavery and cried out, and their cry for help because of their slavery went up to God. God heard their groaning and he remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac and with Jacob. So God looked on the Israelites and was concerned about them." (Exodus 2:22-25) Then Exodus 3 is about Moses and the burning bush. God called Moses and told him that he wanted to use him to deliver his people from slavery. This was Moses' response: "But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” You can read the whole chapter. So basically Moses felt inadequate. He felt like he didn't belong, yet God was sending him to the people who rejected him. But God told him "I will be with you." And in Exodus 4 after Moses whined some more, God told him that He would send his brother Aaron with him. "Then Moses and Aaron went and gathered together all the elders of the people of Israel. Aaron spoke all the words that the Lord had spoken to Moses and did the signs in the sight of the people. And the people believed; and when they heard that the Lord had visited the people of Israel and that he had seen their affliction, they bowed their heads and worshiped." (Exodus 4: 29-31)
4. Big chop-> Back to Natural - So how does all that apply to me and now? Let's tie it all together. In the Journey post I shared how this past Fall was the most restless time for me. Why? Because I was still in a desert season, I couldn't see any changes happen so that was frustrating for me. But at the end of the quarter when I finally stilled myself I started seeing what God was trying to teach me that quarter (which He then repeated to me over the break). So why are we still in the desert?
GOING NATURAL - Story of my hair. Story of my Life :)
I feel like my spiritual journey and that of my hair is one and the same: Natural -> Chemically Changed (damaged) -> Transition (Both natural and chemically damaged at the same time) -> Big chop -> Back to natural. So in this post I'll use my hair as an illustration as I share what God's been drilling me about identity. (I have pictures of my hair journey in the video at the end :)
1. Natural (Home) - I already shared about my relationship with God when I was younger in the The Bubble post. I described those years as "The Glory Days" coz I felt like I was flying - I experienced rest, safety, joy, peace and all that goodness that comes from relationship with God (Knowing Him as my ever-present Father -provider and defense, Jesus as my savior and best friend, and the Holy Spirit as my guide) and it overflowed from within me and into other areas of my life like school. As for my natural hair when I was younger, it was black, long and really thick and bushy. I remember crying every morning when my mum brushed it. I loved it though. Every night I loved combing it into an afro - I loved the big hair look - then I would braid it into matutas before I slept.
2. Chemically Changed/Damaged Hair - In the third grade my mum decided to perm my hair. She said it would be easier to manage. It was her decision but I didn't object, I just went with it. When it got permed it looked longer (obviously) but it was still thick and people loved it. People would always comment about it's length and thickness. I kinda didn't like all the attention I was getting just because of my hair's length so I usually had it up in a pony tail. In the first few years my hair looked good and healthy but then I had this bad experience at the salon this one time in the sixth grade when the hair dresser who intentionally left the chemical relaxer on my hair for too long (out of jealousy) and so my hair got overprocessed and like half of my hair in the back fell off (and the hair dresser was laughing. So cruel!). After that my hair was never the same. Yes it grew back after some time but it was thin, lifeless, unhealthy and brown. My spiritual life: I'm not done with the story of my life series but my spiritual life suffered the same fate. A slow fade, a breaking down process that stripped me of my freedom, my joy and rest and left me barely hanging on; enslavement. It got to the point that I didn't know how to be myself anymore. And this demise was also as a result of me choosing to trust other people's opinions of me (the world) rather than only trusting God- fixing my eyes on Him and standing firm in my identity in Him (His loved daughter). So yeah the world broke me, burst my bubble and what was natural to me at first seemed so far out of reach.
3. Transition- The first state of this stage is one of compromise. The dissonance and dissatisfaction that is caused by this state is what the leads to what I call the desert season. In Psychology, it's known as the exploration stage and it may have the following "triggers" (from my class notes):
- Cultural differences between own group and the dominant group.
- The images and stereotypes of own group held by society.
- Experiences of prejudice and discrimination.
- Invisibility and lack of role models.
"One day, after Moses had grown up, he went out to where his own people were and watched them at their hard labor. He saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew, one of his own people. Looking this way and that and seeing no one, he killed the Egyptian and hid him in the sand. The next day he went out and saw two Hebrews fighting. He asked the one in the wrong, “Why are you hitting your fellow Hebrew?” The man said, “Who made you ruler and judge over us? Are you thinking of killing me as you killed the Egyptian?” Then Moses was afraid and thought, “What I did must have become known.” When Pharaoh heard of this, he tried to kill Moses, but Moses fled from Pharaoh and went to live in Midian, where he sat down by a well. (Exodus 2: 11-15)
Moses stayed in the desert where he got married and had a son. "Moses named him Gershom, saying "I have become a foreigner in a foreign land." During that long period, the Pharoah (king of Egypt ) died. The Israelites groaned in their slavery and cried out, and their cry for help because of their slavery went up to God. God heard their groaning and he remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac and with Jacob. So God looked on the Israelites and was concerned about them." (Exodus 2:22-25) Then Exodus 3 is about Moses and the burning bush. God called Moses and told him that he wanted to use him to deliver his people from slavery. This was Moses' response: "But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” You can read the whole chapter. So basically Moses felt inadequate. He felt like he didn't belong, yet God was sending him to the people who rejected him. But God told him "I will be with you." And in Exodus 4 after Moses whined some more, God told him that He would send his brother Aaron with him. "Then Moses and Aaron went and gathered together all the elders of the people of Israel. Aaron spoke all the words that the Lord had spoken to Moses and did the signs in the sight of the people. And the people believed; and when they heard that the Lord had visited the people of Israel and that he had seen their affliction, they bowed their heads and worshiped." (Exodus 4: 29-31)
4. Big chop-> Back to Natural - So how does all that apply to me and now? Let's tie it all together. In the Journey post I shared how this past Fall was the most restless time for me. Why? Because I was still in a desert season, I couldn't see any changes happen so that was frustrating for me. But at the end of the quarter when I finally stilled myself I started seeing what God was trying to teach me that quarter (which He then repeated to me over the break). So why are we still in the desert?
- My People = God was reminding me about my ethnic identity and my people. It's not that I had forgotten them, I just felt rejected by them. But during the break God showed me how that stemmed from my past experiences- how the devil used those close to me and those I looked up to bring discouragement. So God was showing me that it was not an issue of rejection (people actually hating me) rather it was spiritual warfare - the devil's schemes that caused me to be insecure in my identity. God has been reminding me that I am a leader by identity so the devil brought in insecurities to keep me from initiating/ leading like I used to (positively influencing others just by being myself and sharing my life with others). I had started going to BSU in the beginning of Fall and I put that to the test. I initiated with people and they were nice and friendly (The devil lied. I wasn't rejected :)
- "My People" part 2 - God was reminding me what He taught me about the prophetic destiny of people of African descent. I re-read the REAL Identity post and this stood out to me: "The lady (she's white) who was leading worship at IHOP gave a prophetic utterance from God about the black community. She started by saying, "Many of you are confused and wondering why revival has not yet happened. That's because I'm waiting for the generals to take their place. I'm waiting for the African Americans to wake up and lead." She went on by saying that we are being called to rise up in leadership of the worship movement using our talents and gifts- to sing, to rap, to dance, to preach- and that we are going to have the loudest voice." When I went to BSU during Fall, I felt like crying when I saw and heard the stories of the challenges that black people still face (and I could relate with some of them). But I also felt like God was also feeling that pain even more than we do and I knew He's up to something big.
- Preparation of Deliverers- God is great and mighty but He chooses to use weak humans to partner with Him for His power to be displayed and for all the glory to go to Himself; also because He is our Father, He loves us and likes to do stuff with His children :) So I was feeling like Moses, inadequate. But God told me that's the point. It's not about me. It's all about Him. I am weak. He is strong. And so what makes all the difference is that He will be with me so all I need to do is Trust Him -Find rest in His Love and just follow Him as He leads even when I don't see the full picture. Also, this is my diary if you haven't noticed lol so I usually talk about myself but this not just about myself. He is doing this on a larger scale. I can see this when I look at things from aerial view. This quarter is a blank page for me and I'm learning to Trust God and to go with His flow. He directed me to Impact. My friend Charity invited me. In the first meeting of the quarter they were sharing their experience from the Impact conference they attended over the break and Christina went over Impact's mission statement. It was really cool to see the fire they all had to share the gospel- the Good News of God's Love through Jesus Christ- to our campus. When Charles was sharing what He learnt from the Impact conference, what he said stood out to me. Something like,"God uses the most unexpected people to do great things. To show off His power." I'm not sure if he was referencing Gideon in the Bible. I think so. Can't remember. Anyway being there was really encouraging for me since I was a little down that week. So God was reminding me the bigger picture: We are not forgotten. He is preparing deliverers and uniting them for His harvest. I believe the harvest in the black community is coming soon. This quarter! Praise God! =) "Y'all I am soo excited for what the Lord is doing in and will do through Impact UCSB! My heart is flooded with joy when I think about who we are becoming through the power of the Spirit of God at work in us! You all will be a part of changing first our campus, the community and the world through the power of the Gospel of Jesus Christ! Can't wait!" (Christina Blackwell 1/22/13) I went to IV church that Sunday and the team from YWAM gave confirmation that this is the year of great revival in America. It was exciting to see how ready IV Church is to bring in the harvest. We had a joyful celebration as we worshipped Jesus, The Lord of the harvest. Reminds me of my experience at the Real conference.
- InterVarsity- Like I shared in the REAL Identity post, God taught me about about identity through my experiences in InterVarsity which is a multi-ethnic fellowship. All the drama was due to the cultural differences within the fellowship. The devil preyed upon our differences and insecurities to attack and further divide us. God led me to call it out (bring it light/ make it public) and He told me it would lead to people misunderstanding hence rejecting me but He said that there would be unity in the end ["A time to breakdown and a time to build up"]. That's why I was frustrated when nothing had changed in the Fall. But then I saw this posted on the BSU wall during Kwanzaa: "There can be no black-white unity until there is first some black unity.... We cannot think of uniting with others, until after we have first united among ourselves. We cannot think of being acceptable to others until we have first proven acceptable to ourselves. -Malcolm X [UMOJA (Unity) - Day 1 #aBSUKWANZAA] and "If the fingers of one hand quarrel, they cannot pick up the food."Kenyan proverb. If we cannot work together but are from the same place, same origin, and face similar struggles then our dysfunction can only end in our own demise. [Ujamaa- Cooperative Economics A BSU Kwanzaa Day 3] That was more confirmation why the desert season wasn't over. God wanted to re-unite me with my family and the black community on campus. As for InterVarsity right now, from what I've seen so far... God is moving in the Latino community and they have been focusing on Identity (which is cool since God showed me some stuff about their Real Identity and prophetic as well. They are having their LaFe (Latino Fellowship) conference this weekend so you can pray for them. And they are planing to have a LaFe Experience at InterVarsity's Common Ground (Leading Common Ground = Sharing their spiritual and cultural gifts with the rest of the fellowship- which is essentially what God has been telling me to do: Remember who I am, be myself and share my life with people).
- PHAROAH IS DEAD =) Moses stayed in the desert until the Pharoah who wanted to kill him died and it was after that that God sent him back as a deliverer (Desert- Round 2). I was thinking back to the visions that people received at InterVarsity's Prefall Leaders Retreat and all the conflict ones took place last year and the remaining ones that haven't yet come to pass involve unity in the Body of Christ and revival breaking out on campus. At the beginning of this quarter I remembered Marissa's vision (feel free to correct me on the specifics) : There was a shooter on campus and Marissa and Ekaete ( UCSB InterVarsity Staff at that time) were running away from the shooter while holding hands but then their hands part since they ran in different directions. Marissa was running looking behind coz she thought he was behind her but once she looked ahead he was right in front of her with the gun pointing her... At the end her and Ekaete were together again but there was a dead body in a bag. That was a weird one and I didn't understand what it meant at all last year. I was just praying that it was not to be taken literally. So when I remembered the dream at the beginning of the quarter I thought it represented how the staff leaders that InterVarsity started with Fall of 2011 went their separate ways: Ekaete was the first to leave since she couldn't fundraise, then Marissa stayed on staff still Spring 2012 then moved to Wisconsin, then Paul left SB after Fall 2012, then for the month of January InterVarsity doesn't have staff since they are not all fully funded yet. But what about the dead body in a bag? I didn't quite get that until now. As I was writing the previous bullet point God gave me a revelation! I noticed the ethnic differences. Marissa is white and Ekaete is black. They were holding hands at first: unity through Jesus (their common ground) but then there was a shooter on campus which made them ran and they ran in different directions = spiritual attacks from the enemy to the multiethnic body of Christ which brought division (segregation). BUT in the end... guess what??? Somebody died!!! Who's the mystery corpse??? Well let me break it down for you: Both Marissa and Ekaete were there in the beginning and they are also present in the end. So the mystery corpse is... <drum roll>... THE MYSTERY SHOOTER!!! Oh wow it get's more interesting ( I love it when Jesus let's me in on mystery solving! Thanks Jesus! This is fun! :) Do you remember that suspense between when the shooter had the gun pointed to Marissa's head to the end when there's a dead body in a bag but both Ekaete and Marissa were present? What was that??? Why the suspense? Where was Ekaete at that time? How did the mystery shooter end up dead and in a bag?????
- HAHAHA I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED!!! :D (I'm getting a little excited here if you haven't noticed LOL) The mystery shooter is sly. He made Marissa believe that she was running away from him yet she was actually running straight to him and he was ready to finish her off. But Ekaete who had exited the scene was actually practicing her fighting skills so during the suspense scene Ekaete jumps in like a ninja and kicks his butt. And she doesn't just slap him around, she seals the deal by killing him until he's DEAD lol and putting his DEAD body in a bag. So in the end Marissa is saved and reunited with Ekaete. The threat to life and unity is done away with. HALLELUYAH! Do I need to decode? Well, in case you didn't get the last part... God is just giving me more confirmation about what He reminded me in the Prison Break post. Well before that, in the Colors of the Wind and Let My People Go God showed me that He created diversity not just for the sake of beauty but also as a safeguard for us. Multiethnicity in the body of Christ is actually a weapon against the devil's schemes to keep people from seeing the whole Truth due to generational and cultural blindspots. He showed us through the visions He gave people at Prefall and before that how different forms of racism such cultural and institutional racism exist and create unequality hence disunity. And He showed me that what was happening in InterVarsity was representative of what's happening in America. Anyway, back to the previous vision... The Mystery Shooter is Pharoah who wants to kill the deliverers (the body of Christ) before God uses them to deliver others. He is also Racism -a wall that divides the body of Christ by ethnicity/culture [Note! When I say racism I don't mean hate. Check the Colors of the Wind post for definitions. It's more like barriers to sincere/deep love as a result of inequalities] The shooter, the wall of racism, has a gun pointed at Marissa (reps white people) -God gave me the meaning of the vision He had given us: Racism was going on and was the reason behind the unequality hence disunity in the fellowship. All the staff we had were white (Ekaete was the first to leave) and so they didn't notice since they shared the same cultural perspective so God was using different students (from different ethnicities) who saw this to bring it light for there to be true unity but they were silenced or ignored as a result of being misunderstood. Now let's get to the fun part.
- God was telling us that He is the only One who can fight our battles and bring down the wall of racism (just meeting up to talk won't cut it since it's an unseen wall-> spiritual warfare). So He just wanted us to wait on Him together. Wait for His Spirit to break down the wall and bring unity (same vision: seeing the whole Truth) but the devil brought disunity and separation. So God has been using this desert season to prepare African Americans to lead the worship and intercession movement ("waiting on God") which leads to spiritual walls coming down. Yesterday I just started singing: Joshua fought the battle of Jericho and the walls came tumbling down! And it's totally what's going to happen! Halleluyah! The wall of racism is going down! Pharoah is dead! We're about to seal the deal! Well, God will seal us with His glory as we wait on Him (being still, praying and worshipping) and it is His great power that will seal the deal! Glory to God! =) So yeah, let's not fight each other church; the battle is against unseen principalities. Let's love each other and worship Jesus. He is fighting for us! :-)
- Back to me and my hair lol. So after a year of transitioning I decided to do the big chop! I cut it myself and it was the best decision of my hair life. Before that the half that still had relaxer would always get super-tangled and it would take forever to detangle. But now I'm free! My hair is super curly but it's easy to manage when it's wet. I had braids for a while (protective styling). My sister bought me some hair products for natural hair so I've been trying different styles. (Oh yeah, I inspired her to go natural as well! :) As for my spiritual life, I'm still going natural. I'm still transitioning. I'm letting go and letting God. He is renewing my mind. Writing really helps! ("Freedom by Expression) I should be blogging everyday. But I know I need to do the big chop! Letting go completely (Psalm 24: 7-10). I have before, like at prefall but all the obstacles I faced keep setting me back. But God gave me hope that I'm on my way home. I need Him. I can't move forward without His presence. His glory. I know He wants to show me His glory but one thing that keeps me from drinking it in is I feel guilty going there alone. Resting in His Love and drinking His living water. I feel selfish, like He's too good for me to experience by myself that's why I try to invite people to join me in waiting for Him but then the disunity discourages me. But yeah, God told me to stop worrying about people, fix my eyes on Him, find rest in His Love and that's when He can use me to invite others in. I can't do it on my own. I need Him. So yeah God, I'm letting go. I want to flow. To overflow. So bring me to Life =) Let's wait on Him everybody! He's going to breakthrough! AMEN :)
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Confirmation Video Clip: Binding the Strongman over America. The Mystery Shooter aka "Pharoah" also goes by other names. We need to divorce this dude.
Update: Here's the video of my hair transition stage (aka compromise stage). Let's just say that times were tough hahaha. But Jesus kept bidding me to rest. To let Go and Let God. Baby Trevor learnt this lesson faster than I did =) Songs: Let me be your wings from Thumbelina and Once Upon a December from Anastasia. Featuring my cute nephew Trevor and my lil sis Olivia, the camera girl :) And Jesus singing over us with songs of deliverance: Restoration's Coming!! Haha =)
Confirmation Video Clip: Binding the Strongman over America. The Mystery Shooter aka "Pharoah" also goes by other names. We need to divorce this dude.
Update: Here's the video of my hair transition stage (aka compromise stage). Let's just say that times were tough hahaha. But Jesus kept bidding me to rest. To let Go and Let God. Baby Trevor learnt this lesson faster than I did =) Songs: Let me be your wings from Thumbelina and Once Upon a December from Anastasia. Featuring my cute nephew Trevor and my lil sis Olivia, the camera girl :) And Jesus singing over us with songs of deliverance: Restoration's Coming!! Haha =)
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