The Fall

Depression vs. FREEDOM!!

♫ I was down in a valley,

In a deep, dark cave.

No one could have helped me

When they saw me lonely there.

There was a big rock rolling

Just about to crash me.

A Mighty Hand just appeared 

and it saved my soul.

One thing I know

Is a Savior of mine.

I'll make Him known

To the others in the dark

Oh Christ my Lord

Never leave me alone

I'll praise Your Name

HalleluYah Amen. ♫

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Fall quarter (2012) was one of my darkest times but even in the loneliness God never forsook me; in the darkness the light of His love shone through and resurrected me from my bed of hopelessness and condemnation. God wanted that time to be a time of preparation, revelation and intimacy-- all found when looking to Him and resting in Him-> I wasn't doing that most of the time - I was striving and failing-- but God never gave up on me. I'm yet to share all He told me that quarter that excited me and broke my heart at the same time and set me ablaze going into Winter quarter.
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"Here we are back in the desert"

So Fall Quarter 2012 was right after the summer that  I was forced to expose all the drama that had been happening in the fellowship -InterVarsity (like God had told me at the very beginning) to everyone (which I did through my blog since we were not all together) then I came back to school... actually right before I came back I prepared people for my return through The Stinkbug post. But when I came back Fall became quite a depressing quarter. Even though I had exposed how I felt and what I went through and what others went through as well -what God told me to share- it was like it made no difference at all; like no one cared at all. No one reached out to me to see how I was doing and even though they knew what was keeping me from attending Intervarsity events like Common Ground, my absence didn't seem to make a difference. It was sad thinking about this. I wrote more posts but still no difference (for example the Dear InterVarsity family post I wrote in October which got me blocked from the InterVarsity facebook wall). I decided to be more proactive and invited people over,... "Maybe they are too scared to initiate for some reason, I thought." But still no one got back to me. This made me quite restless (distracted me from resting in God) but when I stopped focussing on what I did not have and who was not there for me I was forced to face the One who was always there for me and never left my side, God, and it was then that I begun to see what I had.

God filled me with His joy and peace and it's then that I'd want to reach out to others to share my life with them. I tried reaching out to some people but only a couple of people wanted to meet with me. I'll talk about those experiences later.

Looking to God filled me with His goodness and love and He started giving me revelation once again about the near future like the Human Again and Revolution posts. These revelations were quite intense, had an urgency to them and also convicting. They were convicting because they woke me up to the bigger picture, the times that we are living in because in such times (endtimes) stuff's changing and stuff's gonna happen and all that matters at the end of the day is LOVE. Did I love those around me? It wasn't about who was loving me and reaching out to me. It was about who I was loving and reaching out to. This totally changed my perspective and broke my heart because I realized that I had isolated myself  from everyone. It was then that I realized what I have to give (post: What's your name?) then Winter was application time!

Calmed & Quieted :)

My big sis and niece :-)

"My heart is not proud, Lord,

my eyes are not haughty;

I do not concern myself with great matters

or things too wonderful for me.

But I have calmed and quieted myself,

I am like a weaned child with its mother;

like a weaned child I am content.

Israel, put your hope in the Lord

both now and forevermore."

*Psalm 131*

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♫ Here we are again

So glad Your my best friend

I've got so much on my mind

But then You already know

Cause when You whisper I find wisdom beyond 

My fears they all die

At Your feet love has won

Holy one

In Your presence

I'm undone

In Your presence

Every one of my questions

Fade away

In Your presence

Here we are again

I'm looking forward to the end

But there's so much left here to do

I need Your strength, I don't wanna loose

But when you whisper I find wisdom beyond 

My fears they die all die

At your feet love has won

Holy one

In your presence

I'm undone

In your presence

Every one of my questions 

Fade away

In Your presence

Whenever I run

You are here

Whenever I am still

Yea You are here

Never a moment without You

Your always here

And I will finish well

Cause you are here

Holy one

In Your presence

I'm undone

In your presence

Every one of my questions 

Fade away

In Your presence ♫

God told me to forget the past (while learning from it) and to keep moving forward (while surrendering the future to Him). He is making all things New so all I need to do is Rest, Be and Flow =)  Oh yeah, and instead of recycling the old posts He told me to share the new things He's been teaching me- coz the act of just writing/creating is freeing for me (Freedom by Expression) plus what He is currently teaching me is more relevant, a now word (which is a call for organization & discipline for me lol). Sorry for if any of my frantic retroactive sharing was overwhelming or confusing lol. Imma stick to be-ing and flowing :-) So help me God!! Related Post: Be Still and Know. 

Summer TIME! =)

It's Summer time! ☼ ...So I like to share stuff I'm learning and experiencing through writing (my statues on facebook, photos also on my blog) but it's been a while since I've let that flow freely. Why? Different reasons: I've been busy, my computer has been complaining (it overheats a lot so I have to keep restarting it and it refused to open my iphoto so it takes more time for me to upload and edit my pictures)... but mostly due to a lack of stillness. Lack of rest. Especially during Spring quarter... I wasn't making enough time for just me and God to chill.

So yeah I have a lot to share... stuff from the past (stuff I keep running from but I need to face and just lessons I've learnt) and also stuff that God's been showing me about the season we are now in and going into. It's exciting!! But also overwhelming coz I don't know where to start -catching up on the past or moving forward- I stay stagnant coz I can't decide which then puts me even more behind on sharing. Another reason I stay stagnant is when I think about what people will think about me based on what I've shared... but yeah, I need to get over that because this is mainly for me... journaling is therapeutic for me (I call it Freedom by Expression). But it's for you as well, I like to share the journey (and for more explanation why I do this you can read my Remember post). 

So I really need to REST this summer coz that's what it's all about and the only way I can flow and overflow. For that to happen I need to be more organized with my time- To sleep earlier and wake up earlier to make time to journal... quiet time. I'm also looking forward to spending more time with family and friends. Summer Fun! =)

Oh yeah, I'm going back to SB for summer... last minute plans as usual lol ... will make sense when I share the previous stuff lol. K, peace! =)

The LORD replied, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." (Exodus 33:14) 

Love is The Greatest Gift of All

If I could speak like an angel or know what tomorrow may bring.

If I had faith to move mountains, that wouldn't mean a thing.

If I had all the world's knowledge, but turned away from His call.

Without His love I am nothing, for love is the greatest gift of all

Love is the greatest gift of all, love is the greatest gift of all

With God's love in my heart, I can be a shining light

For love is the greatest gift of all.

God's love is never demanding, but always is gentle and kind.

God's love is always forgiving, leaving the past behind.

As I look at His reflection, it makes me feel so small.

Without His love I am nothing, for love is the greatest gift of all.

Love is the greatest gift of all. Love is the greatest gift of all.

With God's love in my heart, I can be a shining light.

For love is the greatest gift of all.

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Wedding Bells! =)

On June 10th it was Lissah and Alex's wedding! =) CONGRATS to them!! :D
(You can skip my rantings and go to the main section: IT'S TIME FOR UNITY! :)

A few days prior God was reminding me that we are in a New Season. A New Day. A New Start. I posted a song about that on facebook as well as Aimee's painting of a wave with the verse, "The Old has gone. Behold the New has come." Then at Bible Study the night before we talked about Love and how maturity is measured by love and how to love you need to be vulnerable, self-less and giving...

So that night was the night before Lissah's wedding... I wanted to go for the wedding but I wasn't invited and I understood why, it was a meant to be a small wedding so she was just inviting her close friends and I hadn't really been in her life this past year, which made me sad :( But thankfully we did get to meet up and talk a little towards the end of Spring quarter but I never asked about going to the wedding. So after Bible Study, I remembered that to love means being vulnerable and I wasn't vulnerable with her about my desire to attend her wedding or how I'd missed being in her life all year. Earlier that day I found out that Nathan and Diane were going to drive to San Diego for the wedding the next morning so I thought to myself: Maybe I should ask Lissah if I could go drive with them and just be in the background during the wedding since I didn't know anyone who was going just for the reception. So I went to facebook to write her a message about it but then I was like I should text her instead... but I never did. What kept me? False humility thoughts: I don't want to disturb her the night before her wedding. But I still wanted to go (my heart's desire) but my selfish thoughts kept me from following my heart.

The next morning I woke up still debating it in my mind and I decided to go whether or not I asked her.  That decision made me happy and excited for the wedding. I remembered that Nathan had said that they were going to leave after Diane's class... I thought he said 12.30 but I guess I was wrong. I just had to text them and see if I could get a ride with them but NOOOO! that was too big a task for me. Instead of texting right when I woke up I decided to get ready for class. I was going to be late for class so I rushed. I was soooo in a hurry that I couldn't text her on my way to class -__- So I got to class and I was sitting there then my phone rang (Yvonne was calling) and for some reason I felt like going outside to answer it but I just silenced it and sat through the lecture. After class ended at 12.15, is when I decided to quickly text Diane and ask for a ride... as I was on my way to the library to pick up books for my class which I could read in the car ride. I got the books then rushed home to get ready. That's when Diane text back and told me that they had already left :o which is what I feared. So I texted back, "No probem. It's my fault I should have asked you earlier." All my excitement for the wedding was drained then I was like "Oh well. It's not like I was wanted there. And there's other people who were not going to be there as well." But that didn't make me feel any better. I felt worse when I realized it is a BIG DEAL that Lissah and Alex were getting married. Yes weddings are big deals and Alex and Lissah were getting married!!! Yet what I gave priority to was my class and books... I was procrastinating putting my heart out there (asking Lissah or asking for a ride to a wedding I wasn't invited to) coz there was a risk of rejection. And that also made me realize how many times I choose a selfish easy distraction  over a relationship with someone. For example I remembered how I didn't go to  Diane's farewell zoo day that our Bible Study put on so that I could study. Why these trends? Selfish thought process: I care for these people more than I've expressed so I'm really nothing to them so my presence doesn't really matter. But my heart says otherwise that's why I'm always heart broken as a result of following my selfish thoughts.

And yeah, after I came to this realization I became really depressed. I'm such a bad friend! I suck at life =( So I went back to bed to beat myself up some more... but yeah I was just dwelling on the negative thoughts but after a while I forced myself out of bed to try and fix the situation... Maybe I could catch a ride with someone else who hasn't left yet! =) So I asked Diane and the only other person she was aware of was Christie but she was in Thousand Oaks... at that time I was desperate; I was willing to take the bus or train to meet Christie there... but Christie had already left as well. If I took a train to San Diego I'd miss both the wedding and reception. So I was out of options :/ Yvonne called me back and told me it was Trevor who had called earlier. She told me after his bath he randomly decided to pray for me which was touching since I was having a bad day so far as a result of my decisions. But yeah, after that I decided to be positive: I can't do anything about the past so what can I do now to show love?
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IT'S TIME FOR UNITY

So I made the photo message above and posted it on facebook. And it's funny coz after I made it I looked at it and God highlighted the fact that Lissah is African American and Alex is half white and half latino. Then with the verse that I had on there: "Therefore what God had joined together let no one separate" the theme of unity (racial reconciliation) came up. And that's when I realized why God wanted me to go to the wedding... even though I thought that my presence didn't make a difference... God wanted me to follow my heart (the way of love) coz just being there would be reconciling me to my InterVarsity friends :) And also if I was there I would have taken pictures and video of the wedding and therefore being a historian which would have been of service to those who could not make it to the wedding. So my role was to love, serve and give whether or not I was invited to. So that conviction really struck my heart and I felt so immature when it comes to love and I became aware of more times in the past marked by this type of immaturity. But God has grace and He is my redeemer and restorer.

Anyway, a few weeks after that was the Trayvon Martin/ Zimmerman case and it came to my attention that Trayvon was black and Zimmerman was half white and half latino. Then I found the significance of why God highlighted Alex and Lissah's ethnic identity and the significance of their wedding, which is: God is creating unity, "One New Man." Unity is super-important especially in the church coz it will act as a weapon against the devil's main goal: disunity ("devil" means divider); and that is how the church will transform the culture and impact the world, through displaying this unity by and for Christ. God has been doing a lot in InterVarsity... He kept giving us Isaiah 61:1-3 through different people... yes He is causing racial reconciliation to happen for the glory of His name! Yay it's time! For unity. Time for Revival =) Church, let's arise and unite and give God all the glory! =)

This post reminds me of this song and what Moriah Peters sung in the end: "Ebony, ivory, living in perfect harmony." =)

They will know us by our love :-)

Lissah and Alex's wedding had another significance... the marriage of the Lamb (Jesus) and the bride of Christ (the church) is coming soon!!! It reminded me about a post in my drafts about the Wedding banquet of the Lamb which I learnt stuff through watching a video of my sister's wedding... So yeah I'll get on that sometime... hopefully soon. Peace! =)

Senior Send Off 2013 :D

(An email I just sent out)

URGENT!! THIS THURSDAY! EXCITING!! PLEASE READ AND REPLY!!
Hey everyone!  So I have an exciting message to share with you guys, and a request for collaboration. So last year God gave people at an InterVarsity leaders retreat many visions regarding a great revival that was going to happen in Santa Barbara and spread around the world!   Some of the visions were about opposition from the enemy in a bid to prevent revival from happening... and it was sad to see them come to pass last year... lots of conflict and division in the church (in InterVarsity)... so yeah the disunity happened and became really apparent this year. That was discouraging :(

But yeah, God kept telling me that it's not over... greater things are yet to come. He will fulfill His promises to us. So this year God directed me to different fellowships and He showed me that He is bringing unity to His body at SB... that's why I was excited to see the With One Voice event... So yeah it happened and it was really cool to see unity in prayer and worship... After that I was reflecting on the other visions that haven't happened. Paul Benthin saw that there was an earthquake in IV then revival happened after that. The next morning I woke up to an earthquake. God was confirming to me that this is the time for revival! :D

So what's left? What's standing in the way of revival? WE ARE. Ever since last year God kept giving me Acts 1 & 2 and 1 Samuel 7. Showing me our role of partnering with Him to bring His kingdom here. A lot of the leaders from that retreat are kinda hopeless that revival is still going to happen... many of them are the seniors who are now set on graduating and moving on with their lives. But God wants me to WAKE US UP to our significant role in sparking up a huge revival by waiting on Him to pour out His Spirit.

So I'm a visionary... after my experience last year God's been showing me things in His Word and through His Spirit about the exciting times we are living in and going into... the urgency of the hour and the context of this huge revival that's about to pop up from SB... it's a lot of stuff but basically God is awakening His bride coz the Bridegroom is coming soon... sooner than we think... and stuff's about to change on earth. But anyway He wants us to be prepared by having our lamps filled with oil- waiting for the power of the Holy Spirit to fill us and then to be sent out to bring in the harvest.

So yeah, there's no time for, "We'll just wait and see if revival happens" It's time to make it happen. It's time to TAKE THE LAND. TIME TO BE LIONS. There's too much at risk. So yeah we need to come together and wait on God for His promise. Yeah I'm a visionary/messenger but I've been failing at communicating this vision... and making it happen due to my insecurities and false humility and being distracted. But yeah, God is gracious. It's the reason He brought me back this quarter. I have the vision so clearly in my mind, I have faith and now I just want to obey- lead in prayer (1 Samuel 7).

I was discouraged that I waited till dead week to share this but God told me that He is still faithful and will fulfill His promises. I wanted to put on a prayer meeting this week on Thursday. I went to prayer and prophecy Monday night and I didn't tell them anything but Heather gave me confirmation from God that I'm meant to start a fire- through a prayer meeting. I wanted to invite my InterVarsity friends- especially the seniors- and also Impact. And I thought of making Kenyan food and inviting my friends from BSU and then doing worship later. Then yesterday Diane text me that they were doing a wrap-up for IV Bible study on Thursday. Then this morning Ian sent me an invite to the Real Life is having a block party on Thursday. Then I remembered another vision that hasn't happened yet. Judith (a girl in InterVarsity) had a vision that we were walking on DP holding hands. She was holding hands with her friend from Real Life. So yeah, I really feel like God wants us to make this happen this Thursday. So I was thinking we can either have the separate eating stuff - my Kenyan food thing, IV study bbq, and real Life party then we can come together to pray, worship then do a prayer walk on DP??

I know it may be hard to believe for some of you but I'm pretty positive that it's time for heaven's rain. I was talking to Frisco and shared that God broke his heart for the lost and he's been feeling an urgency to interceed coz God's jugdements are coming... and yes I felt that too last year... and many other people too... a bigger earthquake is coming to California and the West Coast really soon... and my heart breaks for the people who don't have the Truth... It would break my heart even more to leave this quarter without seeing this vision through. It's time to break through and to claim this land for Jesus! OUR GOD IS GREATER! HE IS STRONGER! So let's put our faith to work and He will come through!!  Frisco shared with me Israel's dream about a bomb being dropped on SB then an explosion happening... He thought it was a bad dream but God showed him that it had to do with revival. God is SOOOO Ready to drop a bomb (the power of His Holy Spirit) on His church at SB which will then cause an explosion (revival spreading rapidly--> within the school and as people are being send off back home, to mission's trips, all over the world). So LET'S DO THIS ??!!

To The ONE

So I'm behind on my story-telling... The With One Voice event was awesome! Shout out to God! :D Now to focus less on an "event" and more on the point which is "UNITY"- It's beautiful to see how God is forming that in the body of Christ here at SB. I'd like to encourage my brothers n sisters in Christ to take every opportunity to come together in prayer and worship -we don't have to wait for one annual event. Like TONIGHT Real Life is hosting a WORSHIP NIGHT @ 7.30PM in IV THEATER and ALL ARE WELCOME! So come out if you're free and invite others!! =)

Yesterday I went to the "InterFaith Dialogue and Dinner" and it was a really cool event. Some of the girls in my table group were from a Jewish sorority and I learnt from them that there's a big Jewish population here at UCSB and though there's a ton of different Jewish clubs they are super-united. "We are family," she said. I was really touched. It's my dream for the body of Christ here to Be One because we are one. To be united in love as we praise and worship our God. So let's bring heaven down to earth and join the angels sing in adoration to the One who sits upon the throne =)

"After this I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. And they cried out in a loud voice: “Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb.” All the angels were standing around the throne and around the elders and the four living creatures. They fell down on their faces before the throne and worshiped God, saying: “Amen! Praise and glory and wisdom and thanks and honor and power and strength be to our God for ever and ever. Amen!” (Revelation 7: 9-11) =D

"And they (angels) were calling to one another: "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory." (Isaiah 6:3) =D

"Saying with a loud voice, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power, and riches, and wisdom, and strength, and honor, and glory, and blessing. And every creature which is in heaven, and on the earth, and under the earth, and such as are in the sea, and all that are in them, heard I saying, "Blessing, and honor, and glory, and power, be to Him that sits on the throne, and to the Lamb for ever and ever." (Revelation 5:12-13) =D

"Day and night they never stop saying:“‘Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty,’ who was, and is, and is to come.” Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor and thanks to Him who sits on the throne and who lives for ever and ever, the twenty-four elders fall down before him who sits on the throne and worship Him who lives for ever and ever. They lay their crowns before the throne and say: “You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for You created all things, and by Your will they were created and have their being.” (Revelation 4:8b-11) =D